Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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