when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
