My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
