Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
