final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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