You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
