Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
