I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
This toilet bowl is my home.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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