good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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