I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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