I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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