so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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