When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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