It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
