Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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