just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
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