I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
