so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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