girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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