i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize