I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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