I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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