I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
She announced her abortion via fbk
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
