I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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