i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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