sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
