I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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