My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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