dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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