i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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