I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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