On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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