She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
