Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Two words: blizzard sex
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
