Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
