Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
