you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
