she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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