cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
