I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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