:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
