he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
two words...techno handjob
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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