i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
