Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
