I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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