1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I CAN MOONWALK!
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
