if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize