I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
