Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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