Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
