no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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